redwrangler63's Xanga

Monday, May 04, 2009

Mon, 04 May 2009 23:58:23 GMT

ever since i moved into my new place, i find myself taking the time to do a lot of really unexpected things from me. i actually get excited to go out and cruise. i seriously hated driving for years until like 6 months ago. now i love it. it's not the same as driving with josh, but dude, you should see me. i park AMAZING and i'm learning my way around douglas / central area.

my job is going great, and i can't wait to spend the day with josh tomorrow. he has been absolutely incredible lately. he helped me move my stuff in and he set up my computer for me, he calls me before bed so i don't get lonely in a new foreign place, and two days ago he gave me directions to my house when i had to take a detour in the dark.
i love his new shave! he's got this sexy five o'clock shadow.

ever since i moved, i've been seeking comfort in my bible. my first night here, i heard a voice in my head telling me to turn to isaiah. i came across chapter 51, and i found some verses that were exactly what i needed to hear for the last month or so. isn't that cool? today, i read psalm 16. it's an amazing chapter. check it out.

Quotes From My Favorite Show Ever

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 00:22:43 GMT

Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other. -- Season 1

- So, this is how an engaged high school dumb*** with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
- That was like, eight burns in one sentence. -- Season 5

Steven, you're 18 now. It's time to start being a man. And the first rule to being a man is you gotta spend your life doing crap you don't wanna do. -- Season 4

Jackie, there's no ghetto here. There's like that one house that needs to be painted. -- Season 2

- I really doubt that she's just abandoning Steven, I mean, she's his mother.
- Mom, I believe her exact words were, "I know I'm your mother, but I'm abandoning you, Steven." -- Season 1

-What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?!
- Yes, I was! And up until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it! -- Season 5

All families are embarrassing, and if they're not embarrassing, it's because they're dead. -- Season 1

-Ma, I'm going to the prom.
-They're all going to laugh at you!
-Shut up, Ma, you're making the night too darn special. -- Season 1

I heart That 70's Show.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 03:32:42 GMT

"Homeless"

We dream of those people in mansions
As we curl up on park benches
Wondering where they go on vacations
As we close our eyelids
Giggling at those ridiculous rich words they must name their pets
Off in the distance we hear cars, trains, and jets.

Our moth-eaten clothes
Are a disgrace I suppose
We're peasants grasping for a dime
In a disintegrating world losing time
It's a greedy world unwilling to share
And God knows he's the only one that cares.

Sometimes there's shifting to black, a once blue sky
And sometimes there's heaving bodies as we cry
But if there's no descending of the black or gray
I know that no matter what we'll be okay.

Money has a limit
And love is infinite
And if we die cold, starving or ill
The way we feel about each other continues still
At least we know we weren't like them
Those who took away our way of living -- how grim.

No roof, no dinner, no car
Survival might still get us far
Your loving gaze is its own love letter
Your kisses make my heart feel better
From these I know that tax collectors don't own all our possessions
They'll never own our secrets, passion or confessions.

If our stomaches are empty, our bodies spent
No more left from the money we lent
No more dreams that haven't already drowned so deep
I know your arms will be around me when we drift off to long sleep.

Our eyes tell each other we both know it's true
That's there's nothing left either of us can do
And even when there's nothing left to say
And we die anyway
I know no matter what we'll be okay.

-2008-

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 15:35:16 GMT

wow, it's been a while since i've posted, i didn't realize. i've been so busy.

a couple weeks ago, i went to see joshua radin in concert finally!! he came to louisville while josh was visiting and we went together. it was a lot of fun. he's great live. and he's got a delightful sense of humor which made it greater. josh and i also went to this marriage enrichment weekend thing my parents' church was holding (there was another engaged couple there!) and we got a lot out of it! it'd take me forever to explain everything i learned, but josh and i now have even further understanding of why we are the way we are, examples of how to strengthen our marriage, etc.

in other news, i'm moving back to toledo on april 30th. it's kind of a long story, but i'll be moving in with a woman who rents rooms out to UT students. i'll only be staying there from april 30 to june 22 while one of the students is visiting china. it's incredibly cheap (i've already paid for half of the stay), everyone is really nice, we all signed a contract, so in about a month, i'll move in. it's out by central so it's about 20 minutes from josh, but it'll be MUCH easier to see each other whenever we want to--for almost EVERYBODY to see me whenever they want to.

and tuesday, i have an interview in toledo that i really want to go well. i think it's a job i'd really enjoy, so if you guys could pray for me i would realllllly appreciate it.

recently i tried on my wedding dress. no, not to feel pretty. i unzipped the bag it was in a couple months ago just to sneak a peek at it and it wasn't as pretty as i remembered so ever since i'd been having doubts about picking the right one. so anyway, recently i tried it on and in the right light and i remembered why i bought it. it was beautiful. the only problem was...it didn't fit me like a glove anymore. i had to hold my breath if i wanted it to zip all the way. and that is definitely no way to eat or dance at a wedding. i want to be a bride, not the corpse bride who died because she turned purple. so even though i have plenty of time to drop the weight (which isn't much, it could zip most of the way on its own), i decided you know what, what better time than now? there's plenty of healthy food here and i could start feeling better about the way i look now. thus far, i've lost 3 pounds. half way there to fitting in my dress, so....woot.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 03:11:09 GMT

so i am engaged to by far the cutest guy ever.

i look at him here at 16, and think about how i used to look at 17, and i still think we would've made a cute couple.

what's new, you might ask...

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:40:40 GMT

moving three times in the last 6 months has made it really difficult to locate my w-2s. but i found them.

still looking for a place to live that's close to josh. i might be making progress.

i am obsessed with the biggest loser and have been since last season. one of the coolest shows ever. although last night's episode was effed up.

driving 5 hours to and back from toledo with a couple road mixes really makes the drive more soothing. i have a list of artists that are PERFECT if you want the best road mix ever.

dear friends of mine are truly moving on. two are moving far away, two already do live far away, and some are going on trips out of the country, and others are getting married. i know we're at that age for big life changes or whatever, but it doesn't mean i'm okay with everyfreakingone leaving me without a friend to talk to that's close by. i hate growing apart. i don't want to be one of those people that only has their spouse for a friend. i pity those kind of people. who am i going to talk to about certain stuff?

for my valentine's day present, josh did something adorable. for one, he learned to play the ukulele and surprised me with something he learned to play. second, he got me a little bag with a chocolate rose, this soft and sweet white teddy bear that says "i love you" on it, and this notebook i saw in the store 3 months ago and loved--and didn't buy. he remembered?! he got the cute covered composition notebook for me months later as a gift?! totally marrying him!

i've been reading little pilgrim's progress. it's wonderful. josh and i read it every night.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 05:12:10 GMT

My Montage 2/7/09

^ it's so strange to think that 20 months can be summed up in 6 minutes..

Highlights

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 21:40:29 GMT

yesterday i watched juno with my mom while we ate chocolate covered strawberries. i love that movie and she had never seen it, so it was fun.
i'm going back to my red hair color. i'll feel like a teenager again.
thanks to $20 worth of bath & body works gift cards, i got two body creams: vanilla sugar and sweet pea...fo' free! they smell fantabulous. my legs are always dry so this'll be awesome.
i got my super nintendo hooked up (i like it kick it old school) and you could say i've been enjoying it thoroughly. i beat donkey kong in one night and have made to level 60 on tetris. yes, i'm pathetic. but josh is normally the video-gamer in the relationship. i think he'd be proud.
i'm coming into toledo sooner than expected. i'm meeting josh in dayton on thursday. so it's only like a 21 hr. boost from when i was originally planning to see him, but whatever, i'm still pumped. 4 days just became 3 days.

if you ever have a long-distance relationship, play this game over the phone. it's good for a smile.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 21:55:34 GMT

me: let's play a game.
josh: okay.
me: how about we list five things we like about each other?
josh: i'll go first.
me: doesn't have to be the things you like most, doesn't have to be in any specific order. those are the only rules.
josh: i love the way you identify the special things.
me: the special things?
josh: yeah. we'll be in a park or...it doesn't matter, you'll just notice and cherish the special things in different small experiences, and you're serious about it. and i love that about you.
me: are we taking turns?
josh: yes.
me: okay. um... i love your generosity towards other people. it doesn't matter if you like the person or not -- you'll smile, shake their hand, pay attention to them. you give people kindness. it's rare to find somebody our age that doesn't even try to be rude to someone. you'll be remembered the way my dad is remembered. you respect people.
josh: my next one kind of ties in with yours. you treat everybody like they matter. it doesn't matter if you just met someone. you treat people like people, and not like strangers. it's one of the things that made me fall in love with you. you're always happy to see any people. now your turn.
me: josh, i love that you have morals. you're not somebody that's easily influenced and swayed from what you believe is right. you've never asked me of anything, but it's much more than that. you're not into anything that would make you a loser, and you've never turned your back on God. i suppose i have your parents to thank for raising you that way.
josh: oh, i've got a good one. i absolutely love it when you dance.
me: *laughs* oh come on. why?
josh: because. it's very cute.
me: but it's not even how i really dance. it's my spontaneous stupid dance.
josh: fine, whatever. it's still entertaining.
me: i love it when we're watching a movie or something and you're getting tired, you like it when i rub your arm.
josh: i love your sense of humor. it has many directions, it's just very broad.
me: i love that you handle hard times better than i do. when there's trouble, you don't freak out, you ask me if we can pray together.
josh: is this one my last one?
me: *after thinking* yes.
josh: okay. despite what you always say, you're really smart.
me: *flatly* huh?
josh: *laughs* stop. wisdom to me is common sense, and you have that. but it goes beyond that. you're a brilliant writer and so amazing with your words. like last week -- do you remember that deep talk we had? i never thought of anything that way before, and you helped me see something entirely new. you and i think so much alike, but --
me: ..we help each other see things from another angle?
josh: yeah!
me: my last one is, i love that you are not a resentful, angry person. you never take pleasure in hurting my feelings, you never leave when we're upset or bitter, you never played hard to get when we were getting to know each other, and you hate mind-games as much as i do.
josh: you wanna know something else i love that i was just thinking about?
me: sure.
josh: you know how whenever i tickle you, you don't laugh and squeal like other girls?
me: *groaning out of embarrassment* yeah?
josh: *laughs* i love it.
me: why?!
josh: *laughing harder* because you just start shouting really loud and yelling, "josh! stop! i'll kick you!"
me: *cracking up* and you'll just start laughing so much that you can't even go on, you just kinda stop and laugh at me yelling at you.

I'm never going to give you up.

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 23:43:10 GMT

i'm all packed.
this is really hard.
i know it'll get easier, but right now the emotions are raw.

it didn't hit me until today. washed over me like a wave while i stuffed our memories into boxes.
i want to go into my room and rip that all too familiar cardboard into shreds--
let my possessions scatter free, let your arms squeeze me tightly.
and let my heart be still with rest.

you have no idea how badly i wish that this wasn't my life.
i wish that i wasn't bred to pick up and leave all the time.
i wish that i could make promises i could keep.
i wish that this was no big deal and i didn't have severe security issues.
i wish that money didn't hold so much significance in the world --
and that i had the luxury of taking josh's hand and saying, "let's just go for this.
let's make this official and make a home for ourselves tomorrow."

but i'm not getting married tomorrow.
i'm not watching the steelers with josh's family.
i'm leaving town, and i'm not sure when i'm coming back.
i thought it'd be a couple months, but now i'm not sure.
i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing anymore,
i'm not sure why God wants to keep putting test after test --
several at once -- preventing josh and i from getting to the altar when we want to.
and i'm not even sure my wedding date (may 16) is still an option.

all i am sure of is that saying goodbye doesn't ever get easier.
and none of this has changed the way i feel about any of you.
i'm just so tired...
all i want is to live in toledo and my husband:
two things that should be completely attainable,
but they aren't.

but do you know what i'm doing all this--all the time--all this fighting for?
everything i've ever wanted... it's all right there in front of me.
i can't give up.
when this all ends (hard to imagine when that is, isn't it?),
i will have my cozy town,
my true love,
and a good idea of what to expect for my future.
that is all i've ever wanted.
think about how amazing that'll be for me.
i will get my own place, a routine, and i get to have josh with me every single day.

so if you're worried about me, don't be.
because i've still got some fight left.
and when i don't, i'll pull some out of my butt.
because i have no doubt that God wants me to fight --
for all the things that his plan provides for me.